Writing an obituary is one of those tasks that lands in your lap at the worst possible time. You're grieving, you're exhausted, and now someone needs 300 to 800 words that somehow capture an entire life. The pressure to get it right feels enormous — and it should, because an obituary is often the first and last public record of who someone was. But here's the good news: you don't need to be a professional writer to create something beautiful. You just need to tell the truth about the person you loved.
What an Obituary Actually Is
At its core, an obituary is a notice of death, but it's also a portrait. It tells the community that someone has passed, shares the facts of their life, and — when done well — reveals the essence of who they were. Think of it less like a formal document and more like a story you'd tell someone at dinner: "Let me tell you about this person I loved."
Most obituaries follow a general structure, but there's no single correct format. Newspapers and funeral homes may have length limits, but the content is yours to shape. Some families keep it brief and factual. Others write something deeply personal. Both are valid.
The Essential Information to Include
Before you get creative, cover the basics. These are the details readers expect to find:
- Full name — Include maiden names, nicknames, or any name they were widely known by
- Age and date of death — The city or town where they passed is also customary
- Date and place of birth — This grounds the reader in the scope of their life
- Surviving family members — Spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings, and sometimes close friends
- Those who preceded them in death — Parents, siblings, or other loved ones who passed before them
- Service details — Date, time, location of the funeral, memorial, or celebration of life
- Memorial donation preferences — If the family prefers donations over flowers, include the organization's name and how to contribute
Telling Their Story
The facts are the skeleton. The story is what makes it breathe. This is where you move beyond dates and names and share who this person actually was. Ask yourself: what would someone who never met them need to know to understand why they mattered?
Talk about their career, but also what they loved about it. Mention their hobbies, but describe the way they lit up when they talked about fishing, gardening, or restoring old cars. Include the small details — the phrase they always said, the meal they were famous for, the way they laughed. These specifics are what transform a list of accomplishments into a life.
If you're struggling, call a few people who knew them well and ask, "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of [name]?" The answers will surprise you with their clarity and give you material you might have overlooked. This is similar to the process of writing a eulogy, where gathering stories from others often reveals the truest picture.
Striking the Right Tone
Obituaries don't have to be solemn. If the person was funny, let the obituary be funny. If they were quietly generous, let the tone reflect that understated warmth. The best obituaries sound like the person they describe — or at least like someone who truly knew them.
Avoid clichés when you can. Phrases like "passed away peacefully" or "will be greatly missed" aren't wrong, but they don't tell the reader anything specific. Compare "He will be greatly missed" with "He was the kind of man who remembered every birthday and never once showed up to a family dinner without a homemade pie." The second version is an obituary people will remember.
That said, don't force yourself to be clever or literary. Sincerity always wins. Write from the heart and trust that the love behind the words will come through.
Handling Difficult Circumstances
Not every death is straightforward, and not every life is easy to summarize. If the person died by suicide, overdose, or in other complicated circumstances, you get to decide how much to share. There's no obligation to include a cause of death. Some families choose transparency to reduce stigma; others prefer privacy. Both choices are respected.
If the person's life included estrangement, addiction, or other challenges, you don't have to gloss over reality entirely, but the obituary is not the place for a full accounting. Focus on what was good and true. You can acknowledge complexity without dwelling on it — something like "He fought many battles, both seen and unseen, with a courage that defined him" says a great deal without saying too much.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
A few pitfalls come up regularly:
- Leaving someone out of the survivors list — Double-check with family members before publishing. Omissions cause real hurt
- Making it too generic — If you could swap in anyone's name and the obituary would still work, it needs more personal detail
- Forgetting logistics — Readers look for service times and memorial donation info. Make sure it's there
- Waiting too long — Newspapers often have deadlines, and funeral homes need the text before printing programs. Start drafting as soon as you can, even if it's rough
Going Beyond the Written Word
An obituary is just one part of honoring someone's memory. Many families extend the tribute through lasting memorials — a dedicated bench, a scholarship fund, a planted garden, or a personalized keepsake that captures the person's spirit in a way that words on newsprint can't.
One option that families increasingly turn to is a custom memorial song. You share the stories, the personality, the details that made your person who they were, and a songwriter crafts a piece of music that holds all of it. It's the kind of tribute you can play at the service, share with family across the country, and return to on quiet evenings when you need to feel close to them again. Where an obituary tells the world who they were, a song lets you carry them with you.
